a leper by any other name....

Well, I expected this, but I guess I was hoping that I would be wrong. The ignorance of the general public about my situation had proven to turn me into a leper in the eyes of most.

I'm fine with that at work. I can't think of anyone that I really need or want in my life from Newton. Swabby is pretty cool...straight up guy, and I consider him a good friend. The rest of the crowd are just faceless bodies for the most part. I'll do my time there, and I'll make my check. I won't expect any favors, nor will I expect anything less than the company at large trying to get another penny out of my check and into the company coffers. I expect that, because that's the way it's always been over at Newton.

In the mean time, I sit here alone. I find it funny that when I was drinking, sitting here alone during the weekend was quite acceptable. Now, I just want to get the fuck out of here and do something, but I don't feel that I want to do anything by myself.

This is what I'm getting at I guess, the loneliness. I have a couple "real" friends I guess. One, who seems to be genuinely concerned, my friend j, calls and checks on me, but there can't be much there for a very simple reason. She's married, and has her little pink house and daughter to care for.

Another, my friend r, checks on me daily also, and I know that she cares...I don't know exactly why, but I know I can count on her.

Most people that call want something. Chris, a friend that used to be a bartender at a bar that I frequented for a bit. He's been wanting me to teach him how to use ftp to upload his website. I'm not in the mood for this in any way shape or form. I have asked him to email me on a number of occasions, and can easily answer his questions that way, but I don't want him coming over here to hang out, and let me teach him.

I don't want to teach anyone anything right now.

I wonder how my chocolate bunny is doing. She called herself that to me one day, and it brought a giant smile to my face. T has been by twice over the last month or so. She's now pregnant, and she's married also. I really enjoyed the last time she came over. She is truly a wonderful girl, and I wish I would have been of a state of mind to get together with her. She is someone that I could be with, in theory.

Sharon has even fallen back from me. As have my son, my father, and my sisters...I have not heard a word from anyone but Robert in the last two weeks. Of course, Robert was just checking on whether or not Sharon had sent him his check. I'm in full leper mode here guys...

No matter I guess. I've taken steps to make things a small amount better. God willing, 2006 will be a truly different way to start my latter years.

I believe that it was William Burroughs that started his classic "Naked Lunch," with "I awoke from the sickness at age 45..."

Let's hope that this virus dragon that is running around in my blood subsides by my forty-fifth birthday, and I can truly awake from this sickness...god willing...